The GIVE in Relationships

Conflict is part of being in a relationship. However, toxic conflict resulting in high stress, bitterness, exhaustion and emotional pain is not. Now when discussing partnership work, I am referring to relationship work that involves at least two partners (couples, throuples, and beyond) and a desire to examine the relationship. Partnership work can be as powerful as individual therapy when it comes to decreasing emotional intensity. 

What is GIVE?

This skill appears in the Interpersonal Effectiveness module and is made of two parts. There is the GI_E piece and the second is the V piece. I like to separate the two because they each deserve special attention. I will expand of the V(alidation) below.

You know DBT loves its acronyms. Ok, so what is GIVE? 

G: (be) Gentle

I: (act) Interested

V:  Validate

E:  (use an) Easy Manner

All of these make sense when the goal of the interaction is to preserve the relationship. Another way to think about it is asking yourself “how do I want to feel about the relationship after the interaction.

As we go through each letter, imagine that important person in your life where a close and meaningful relationship is the goal.

(be) Gentle

Essentially, “be nice and respectful.” This means no attacks, threats, judging, or sneering. Show up with the idea of contributing to the relationship in gentle ways.

(act) Interested

This is the most basic part yet people struggle with this one. Pay attention to the person in front of you. Put down your phone, turn off distractions, face the person or at least move toward the person (think “don’t have a conversation with the person from a different room”). Don’t interrupt or talk over them, pause before answering. Ask if this is the best time to have the conversation and respect their wish. This could also be maintaining eye contact, nodding your head. And most of all, be patient.

Validate

Demonstrate to the other person that you understand them. Use both words and actions to convey understanding. Temporarily put yourself in the other person’s shoes (experience) and then share what you think the other person may be experiencing. Validation is also allowing the other person to pick the location for example, if they prefer a private location to discuss the matter at hand, respect it and do it. Remember, validation is not about agreement but rather demonstrating understanding. See “Validation Strategies” below for more indepth information on validation. 

(use an) Easy Manner

Inject a little humor, smile. Be diplomatic in your conversation. If appropriate, sweet-talk and use a warm and light tone. Ask if now would be a good time for the meeting and be willing to reschedule. 

Validation Strategies

Level 1: Listening and Being Present

This level is about showing up—fully. Paying attention. It means putting down distractions, making eye contact, turning toward the person, and genuinely attending to the other person without interrupting or jumping in to fix or debate. 

Example: Your partner is venting about a stressful day at work. You sit beside them, make eye contact, and stay quiet—just listening without checking your phone or offering advice.

Level 2: Accurate Reflection

Here, you repeat back or paraphrase what the other person is saying. You’re not interpreting—just showing that you heard and understood the content and emotions. You might even check to make sure that you hear it correctly by saying, “did I get that right?”

Example: “You’re saying it felt like your manager ignored your input in the meeting, and that left you feeling invisible again—like what you say doesn’t matter.”

Level 3: Reading Unspoken Emotions

You notice and validate the emotions that the other person might not be saying out loud—body language, tone of voice, or facial expression can give clues. This is also called functional validation where you make assumptions about what the other person needs in the moment (e.g. when they are carrying heavy bags, you open the door for them and ask, “may I help you with some of the bags?”). 

Example: “I know you said you’re ‘fine,’ but you’ve been really quiet tonight and your shoulders are tense. It seems like something’s still bothering you.”

Level 4: Understanding Behavior in Context

You connect current emotional responses to past experiences or patterns. In other words, you take history into consideration when trying to understand their reaction. You validate the internal logic behind the other person’s reaction, even if you don’t agree with it.

Example: “It makes sense that you felt triggered when I didn’t text you back for a few hours. After everything you’ve been through with past partners not showing up for you, of course that would hit a nerve.”

Level 5: Acknowledging the Valid

This is where you affirm that anyone in their shoes might feel the same way. It’s not just validating their personal experience, but recognizing the broader legitimacy of their feelings. “You responded this way because you are human.”

Example: “Anyone would feel hurt if they were left out of a big decision like that. It’s completely reasonable that you felt blindsided.”

Level 6: Radical Genuineness

The most intimate level—this is where you respond from your full, authentic self. You’re not “therapizing” or trying to fix, but meeting the other person human to human.

Example: “I know I’ve been distant lately too, and I get how lonely that must feel. I’ve been scared to say it out loud, but I miss us too.”

Summary

With the six levels of validation it is important to pick the right level at the right time. Validating too low may come across as invalidating. For example, if someone is asking for help in the relationship and you provide a Level 1 validation (sit there and stare at them, paying attention but not doing anything to actually help them)--major invalidation, right? Validating too high, may come across as inauthentic and also create an invalidating response. 

Conclusion

Relationship work is essential to improve intimacy and connection. Keeping the GIVE skill in mind provides you with a strong foundation to tackle relationship issues. It can be difficult work and it can be so rewarding. And like every other DBT skill, regular practice and even professional guidance can help you master this skill.