How Do I Respond When Someone Is Upset? (Without Making Things Worse)

We’ve all been there. A friend, partner, co-worker, or family member is upset, and no matter what you say, it seems to make things worse. Maybe you tried offering advice, but it didn’t land. Or you rationally told them to “calm down,” only to watch them get more upset. Or maybe, you retreated and stayed quiet, but that didn’t feel good either.

Sound all too familiar?

If so, you’re not alone. Many people fall into the same “stuck points” when someone around them is upset. While offering advice or trying to rationalize in those moments might seem like the right move, the reason why it often misses the mark is because it’s missing one key component... validation. 

Validation is a skill we teach in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), and it involves communicating to the other person that their feelings make sense. It doesn’t mean we agree with what they’re saying or doing; instead, it’s a way of showing that we understand why they feel the way they do. Sometimes validation can be demonstrated through our behaviors, like offering someone a tissue while they’re crying, but it can also be expressed through words that show we care and are present with them.

So, how do we do this? Here's 3 steps to practice validation.

1. Listen carefully. Really hear the words and emotions behind them. Pay attention not just to what is being said, but how it’s being said and the underlying feelings.

2. Reflect back what you hear. Name the feelings you notice. For example, “It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed,” or “You seem really frustrated right now.”

3. Acknowledge what makes sense. Connect their reaction to the situation or their history. For example, “Given how stressful that day was, it makes sense you’re feeling upset,” or “It’s understandable to be angry after what happened.”

Let's play this out with an example:

Imagine your partner comes home upset, ruminating on their day and has been a little "snappy" at you after a long day.

Again, your initial instinct might be to tell them to calm down or to dismiss their feelings outright:

• “Come on, you're overreacting, let it go.”

• “Just stop thinking about it, you’re making yourself worked up.”

These responses, although common, can make your partner feel invalidated. It might seem like you’re dismissing their feelings. Instead, add in some validation:

• “I can see you’re really stressed right now; that situation sounds overwhelming.”

• “It makes sense that you’re feeling upset after the day you had.”

• “I understand that you’re frustrated, especially with everything going on today.”

Notice the difference? The validating responses acknowledge their feelings, show you’re listening, and create a safe space for them to express themselves. Then, we can move into problem solving or asking for behavior change.

Why Does This Work?

Validation lowers our emotional temperature. When we name what someone is experiencing, it can help regulate their nervous system. And when someone feels heard and understood, rather than dismissed, they tend to feel less alone and more open to calming down.

Sometimes, you might need to validate multiple times before things start to shift or before you can move into problem-solving mode.

What If I Want Them to Do Something Different?

That’s a common and valid question. Validation doesn’t fix everything instantly. Instead, it creates a connection, builds trust, and helps regulate their emotions so that effective problem-solving can happen later.

For example, after validating your partner’s feelings, you might say, “I see how upset you are. Would you like to talk about what I can do to support you right now?” or “Let’s take a few deep breaths together and figure out what’s next.”

The key is to meet the person where they are first. Once they feel understood, you’re more likely to be able to collaborate on a solution.

In Summary

When someone’s upset, try these steps:

• Listen deeply.

• Reflect their feelings back to them.

• Acknowledge the validity of their emotions.

This approach helps de-escalate situations and fosters genuine connection. Remember, validation isn’t about fixing the problem right away; it’s about making the other person feel heard and understood.

Final thoughts

Next time you find yourself in a difficult moment with someone upset, pause and think: How can I show that I understand? What makes sense about how they might be feeling right now? Remember, try validation a couple of times and then proceed. Try this method and let us know what you think!

If you found this helpful and want to learn more about building effective communication and relationship skills, visit www.pacificdbt.com.