“Stupid Emotions, Go Away!”: How to Handle Big Emotions

Finding the Wisdom in Our Weather

I was in the second year of my Master’s training program when my supervisor asked me to give a twenty-minute talk on grief. She had deduced—quite correctly—that I was anxious about public speaking. Her "remedy" was for me to prepare and deliver a talk on grief associated with serious chronic illness. I reluctantly agreed, feeling that familiar knot of dread tighten in my stomach.

For the next three weeks, I lived in a cycle of creative torment. I wrote, revised, scrapped, wrote again, revised, revised, and revised some more, then scrapped it all. Finally, I landed on a version that was acceptable. Just acceptable. I was exhausted before I even stepped onto the stage.

I rehearsed over and over in the privacy of my home. As a lifelong overachiever (ok, maybe a perfectionist), my plan wasn't just to survive; it was to deliver.

As I arrived at the venue, the physical reality of my internal state took over. My blood pressure rose. I started sweating. My face flushed. My breaths became short and rapid. You know the feeling… TERROR. Some people call it "nerves" or "anxiety," but at that moment, it felt like a life-threatening emergency.

And the cherry on top? It wasn't a small seminar room. It was an auditorium of 200 people. I had expected 15 or 20. My supervisor never mentioned the scale of the crowd, and to be fair, I never asked. But there I was: 200 pairs of eyes, and anxiety coursing through my body like a high-voltage current.

However, once I got started—about three minutes into the talk—I settled into a rhythm. The terror subsided into a hum.

Looking back, did I really need that level of anxiety? No. There was nothing dangerous in that room. In the world of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), we often say that anxiety is "unneeded fear." Given my history and my perfectionism, it made sense that anxiety reared its head, even if it wasn't helpful for the task at hand.

When we are in the thick of intense emotions, our first instinct is often to scream, "Stupid emotions, go away!" or avoid. We treat them like intruders or broken parts of our machinery. What if we step back and and ask: Why do these emotions exist at all? What is their function?

In DBT, we understand that emotions aren't just random "moods" designed to make our lives difficult. They serve three vital evolutionary and social functions.

1. Emotions Motivate Us for Action

The most basic function of an emotion is to get us moving. 

Emotions are a complex system of "hard-wired" responses that save us time in important situations. When a car swerves into your lane, you don’t sit there and logically calculate the physics of the impact; fear kicks in, and your body jolts you into slamming the brakes or swerving before your conscious mind even fully processes the danger.

• Guilt motivates us to correct or apologize for an error that we made that is against our values.

• Sadness motivates us to slow down and process a loss, or to signal that we need support.

• Love motivates us to care for and protect those close to us.

The problem, as I experienced in that auditorium, is that our "action urges" don't always fit the facts of the modern world. My brain was prepping me to fight a predator or run for my life, when all I really needed to do was read my notes. But even then, that "unneeded" anxiety was a sign of how much I valued doing a good job.

2. Emotions Communicate to and Influence Others

Whether we like it or not, our emotions are a primary form of communication. Through facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice, we send signals to the people around us.

This is often more powerful than words. Think about a time you asked a friend, "Are you okay?" and they said "Yes" while looking down at the floor with slumped shoulders. Which did you believe—the words or the body language?

Our emotional expressions influence how others react to us:

• A look of vulnerability can prompt someone to offer comfort.

• An expression of shame can signal to a group that we realize we’ve made a mistake, which can actually help repair social bonds.

• Joy is contagious; it signals to others that a situation is safe and rewarding (pleasing!).

In a clinical sense, we call this "shaping" the behavior of others. When our emotions are intense, they send a loud signal. Sometimes that signal is exactly what we need to get help; other times, if the intensity doesn't match the situation, it can unintentionally push people away. Learning the function of communication helps us "turn the volume" to a level where our message can actually be heard.

3. Emotions Communicate to Ourselves

This is perhaps the most important function for those of us who feel "too much." Our emotions act as an internal GPS. They give us "gut feelings" about situations. Some call it “intuition.”

When you walk into a room and feel an immediate sense of unease, that is your emotional system processing cues that your conscious mind hasn't caught yet. DBT refers to this as a source of information. Emotions can be a signal that something is wrong, that a person isn't trustworthy, or that we are reaching our limit.

The Catch: Emotions are information, but they are not facts.

Just because I felt like I was dying in that auditorium didn't mean I was actually in danger. If we treat every emotion as an absolute truth, we become a leaf in the wind. But if we ignore them entirely, we lose our internal compass. The "Middle Path" is learning to listen to the emotion, validate why it’s there, and then check the facts to see if we should follow the emotion’s advice.

Moving Toward "Wise Mind"

If you are struggling with intense emotions today, I want you to know that your emotions aren't "stupid." They are trying to do a job. They are trying to protect you, connect you, or tell you something important. They might just be using an outdated manual or overestimating the "threat" of a 200-person audience.

As therapists at Pacific DBT, we work on helping you understand these functions so you can move from being "driven" by your emotions to "driving" with them. We don't want your emotions to go away—we want them to work with you and for you.

The next time you feel an emotional wave crashing over you, try to pause and ask:

1. What is this emotion trying to get me to do? (Action)

2. What am I signaling to the people around me? (Communication)

3. What is this telling me about my values or my environment? (Self-Knowledge)

Be gentle with yourself. You are learning a new language.