Navigating the Holiday Maze: A DBT Psychotherapist’s Guide to Stress and Family Drama

The holiday season often arrives wrapped in high expectations—of joy, perfect harmony, and idyllic family moments. Yet, for many, this time is a significant emotional challenge. If your family gatherings feel more like a minefield than a haven, you are not alone. Old hurts resurface, complex dynamics intensify, and the pressure to "be happy" can become suffocating.

So how do you prepare for navigating the holidays? Well, as a DBT therapist, I pull on the different skills we use in treatment. I think of these skills as life skills. For everyone. No diagnosis needed. These skills are time tested and have been helpful for a number of different things. 

Here are 10 DBT-informed strategies to help you cope effectively with holiday stress and difficult social dynamics, transforming potential crises into opportunities for skillful living.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Practice Wise Mind Acceptance of the Situation

The root of much suffering is the constant fight against reality. You may wish your family was different, that certain topics were off-limits, or that you didn't have to attend a specific event. But wishing will not change the immediate facts. In fact, wishing can lead to deeper suffering. 

• DBT Skill Focus: Radical Acceptance

Radical Acceptance is the non-judgmental acknowledgment of things, events, and interactions around you some of which are outside of your control. This includes unpleasant, awkward or painful moments. It is not approval or resignation; it is simply recognizing the reality of the present moment.

Actionable Step: When stress spikes, identify the facts. For example: "Fact: My parent always brings up my past relationships. Fact: I cannot stop them from speaking.” Then shift to the internally state: Fact: “I usually experience a deep sadness and anxiety after they bring up past relationships.” 

Acceptance of your emotions is equally important in the radical acceptance process. We often discount or judge our own emotional experiences and radical acceptance prompts us to notice the emotion and stay with it. Instead of pushing it away, we notice it and validate with “it makes sense that I feel this way.” That simple act of noticing and validating can dissipate some of the emotional intensity. 

The overarching radical acceptance statement is something like "I accept that this is the reality right now." This mindset shifts your energy from the draining struggle against reality to the skillful action within reality. By accepting the presence of the stressor, you free up your brain to plan your response, rather than fueling unproductive anger or sadness about "how things should be." Or we can think about it as a way of moving from a reactive mindset to a mindful mindset which moves us to #2. A mindful mindset allows us to shift to a value based response rather than an emotion minded reaction. 

2. Mindful Observation of Judgments

When emotions are high, the mind tends to layer immediate judgments and catastrophic predictions onto every event. These jud

gments—"This is ruined," "I’m a failure," "They’re terrible people"—act as accelerants, rapidly escalating a manageable emotion into an overwhelming crisis.

• DBT Skill Focus: Observe and Describe (from MINDFULNESS)

Mindfulness is the practice of paying attention to the present moment, non-judgmentally. The "Observe" skill specifically teaches you to notice experiences—thoughts, feelings, and sensations—without getting caught up in them. The “Describe skill" is used to label the experience using only the facts.

Actionable Step: When a triggering comment is made, pause before reacting. Notice the thought (Observe): “I am having the thought that this gathering is a disaster.” Label the emotion (Describe): “I am feeling a surge of anger in my chest.” By observing and labeling without judging or immediately acting on the impulse, you create a critical space—the gap between the stimulus and your response—allowing you to choose a skillful action. This prevents the emotional thermostat from being controlled by external forces.

3. Proactive Relationship and Emotional Management

Effective coping is rarely spontaneous. It requires planning, especially for known "hot zones." Identify who, what, and when your most stressful interactions are likely to occur, and prepare a plan for communication and exit. One what to do so is to prepare for the conversation ahead of time by scripting it to the best of your ability. Think of it as maximizing your control in an emotionally charged situation. 

• DBT Skill Focus: DEAR MAN (from INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS)

This mnemonic guides you in asking for something or saying no effectively while maintaining self-respect and the relationship. When setting a boundary, even a small one, you need a script.

Actionable Step: Use DEAR MAN to plan how you will decline a political argument or leave a gathering early.

• Describe the situation neutrally: "I know we all feel strongly about current events..."

• Express your feeling: "...but I find political discussions stressful during family time."

• Assert your need: "My request is that we keep the conversation focused on non-controversial topics tonight."

• Reinforce (explain why it matters): "This will help me stay present and enjoy the evening."

• Remember the MAN style skills (Mindful, Assertive, Negotiate) to stick to your guns and avoid being distracted by counter-arguments.

  
  

Now as an added bonus, we can combine this skill with Cope Ahead from our Emotion Regulation Module. Cope Ahead basically prepares us for the worst case scenario by engaging us in 5 steps and allowing us to mentally rehearse a potential high intensity/high emotion situation. 

Actionable Step: Use Cope Ahead to mentally prepare and rehearse effective coping.

• Describe the situation that is likely to prompt the problem interaction

• Name the emotions and actions likely to interfere with being effective in situation

• Imagine the situation in your mind as vividly as possible

• Rehearse in your mind coping effectively/getting through it in a way that is aligned with your values

• Practice relaxation after rehearsing    

More on the Cope Ahead skill in tip  #10.

4. Use TIPP for Acute Distress

Emotional intensity can hijack your ability to think rationally. When you feel a wave of emotion so strong it threatens to overwhelm you—a panic attack, blinding rage, or severe shame—you need skills that target your biological response system first.

• DBT Skill Focus: TIPP (from DISTRESS TOLERANCE)

TIPP skills rapidly change your body’s chemistry to bring your arousal level down. This is the first step in regaining control.

Actionable Step:

• T: Temperature. Place an ice pack on your face, forehead, or neck. Cold temperature activates the mammalian dive reflex, slowing your heart rate and calming your nervous system instantly. Quick tip: bend forward so that your head is slightly lower than chest level for maximum benefit.

• I: Intense Exercise. Run up and down the stairs, do wall-sits, or push-ups for one minute. Intense, brief activity processes excess adrenaline and energy.

• P: Paced Breathing. Slow your breathing to a count of 5 seconds in and 7 seconds out. When you slow your exhale, you stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system (the "rest and digest" system).

• P: Paired Muscle Relaxation. Systematically tense and release different muscle groups (e.g., tense your fists for 5 seconds, release completely for 10).

5. Practice Validation—Even for the Difficult Person

It is a core DBT principle that everyone is doing the best they can in that moment and that all behavior is causally determined. In other words, all behavior is caused. Conflict often stems from one person feeling unheard or misunderstood. Validation is a powerful de-escalation tool.

• DBT Skill Focus: Validation

Validation means communicating that you understand the other person’s experience is real, understandable, and legitimate from their point of view. It is not an agreement, and it is not condoning harmful behavior. Validation can be as simple as paying attention to actually validating parts of their experience in the context of their history or simply by being human. 

If we are stuck on what to validate, then we can validate the emotion behind the comment or interaction. 

Caveat: All emotions are valid (they happened regardless of whether or not they were any appropriate response to the situation) BUT not always justified (emotion makes sense in the context of the situation–for example, we feel fear when confronted by a snarling angry dog). 

Actionable Step: If a family member launches into a complaint, instead of defending yourself, try: "I can see that you are feeling hurt and disappointed about X, and that makes a lot of sense given how X has impacted you in the past" This acknowledges their inner experience. Often, once people feel heard, the intensity of their anger or frustration drops significantly, allowing for a more calm conversation (or at least a less damaging one). 

More on this in the following GIVE skill. 

6. Choose Your Battles: The GIVE Skill

You cannot win every argument or correct every misperception. Sometimes, the goal is simply to maintain peace and connection, or at least minimize damage to the relationship. This requires letting go of the need to be "right” and embrace the idea of being effective in the long term. For example, you may choose to ignore a small criticism for the sake of getting through a family dinner.

• DBT Skill Focus: GIVE (from INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS)

Use the GIVE skill when the quality of the relationship is your primary goal.

Actionable Step: When faced with an irritating comment that doesn't fundamentally harm you, deploy GIVE:

• Gentle: Avoid attacking, judging, or threatening. Respond without rolling your eyes or using sarcasm.

• Interested: Try to act interested in the other person's perspective (or at least the topic).

• Validate: Use a simple validation: "I hear what you’re saying."

• Easy Manner: Keep your tone light, warm, and non-defensive. A non-defensive stance makes you less of a target for further conflict.
  

7. Set Physical Boundaries to Practice Self Soothing

Your time and personal space are two of your most important resources. During the high-pressure holiday season, you must aggressively protect them. Don't commit to more than you can sustain. Especially important is the idea of taking breaks to bring down your own emotions and increase your own sense of spaciousness. This skill is about taking a break. More importantly, about recognizing the need and then taking the break. This may require using other skills like DEARMAN or even Cope Ahead to get the space or imagine taking the space even though you may not be used to asking for what you need AND actually doing the self soothing.

• DBT Skill Focus: Self-Soothe (from DISTRESS TOLERANCE)

Self-soothing involves using the five senses to ground yourself and bring comfort. It's a way of giving yourself the nurturing you may

not be receiving from others.

Actionable Step: Plan strategic "time-outs." This means leaving the gathering for 15 minutes. During this time, actively engage your senses:

• Sight: Look at a beautiful, calming picture on your phone.

• Sound: Listen to a 3-minute guided meditation or ambient music.

• Smell: Use a pleasant, familiar scent (lotion, essential oil).

• Taste: Sip a warm, soothing beverage like herbal tea.

• Touch: Wear a soft scarf or rub the texture of a comforting object.

8. Identify and Engage in Mastery Activities

When you feel ineffective or overwhelmed by relationship struggles, engaging in activities where you feel competent is essential. This builds self-efficacy and gives you a much-needed emotional lift. Another way to think about it is that a sense of accomplishment can reduce our spiral into an intense emotion. If we have something to feel “good about”, then we may be less susceptible to later criticism during a family dinner.

• DBT Skill Focus: Accumulate Positives (from EMOTION REGULATION)

This skill is about intentionally creating positive emotional experiences. The goal is to reduce vulnerability to intense emotional experiences.

Actionable Step: Schedule small, attainable mastery tasks every day, not just before or after a stressful event. This could be successfully completing a tough crossword puzzle, getting an important work email drafted, finishing a challenging workout, or mastering a difficult part of a holiday recipe. The feeling of Mastery inoculates you against feelings of helplessness often triggered by family conflicts, reminding you that you are capable and effective in your life. 

9. Check the Facts

Emotions often contain information about ourselves (e.g., fear tells us we perceive a threat), but they are not always reliable indicators of external reality. The intensity of an emotion (e.g., 9/10 panic) frequently doesn't match the objective facts (e.g., someone made a slightly rude comment).

• DBT Skill Focus: Check the Facts (from EMOTION REGULATION)

This skill helps you examine the objective facts of a situation to determine if your emotional response is warranted.

Actionable Step: When feeling an emotion that feels too large for the situation, ask yourself:

1. What is the prompting event (just the objective fact, no interpretation)?

2. What is the emotion I am feeling?

3. Are there other plausible interpretations of the facts? (E.g., "Maybe they didn't hear me," or "Maybe they are just tired.")

4. If the emotion fits the facts, what skillful problem-solving or distress tolerance skill is needed? If it doesn't fit, use a different skill to change the feeling.

   
   

10. Have an EXIT Strategy (Contingency Planning)

Hoping for the best is fine, but planning for the worst is a skillful strategy. A prepared exit plan gives you a safety net, which in itself reduces anxiety because you know you have control over your escape.

• DBT Skill Focus: Cope Ahead and Pros and Cons (from DISTRESS TOLERANCE)

Cope Ahead is mental rehearsal of a skillful response to a predicted difficult situation. Pros and Cons is a tool for resisting impulsive, unskillful behaviors.

Actionable Step:

1. Cope Ahead: Mentally rehearse your difficult situation and your skillful response. Example: "If my sibling starts drinking heavily and becomes aggressive, I will immediately text my partner/friend, go to the bathroom, and call a rideshare." Rehearse the feeling of anxiety and the feeling of calmness that follows your skillful action.

2. Pros and Cons: Before you give in to an urge to yell, slam a door, or stay and suffer unskillfully, list the pros and cons of that unskillful behavior (e.g., Pros of yelling: momentary release; Cons: guilt, more conflict, damage to relationship). This rational check reinforces skillful action.

The holidays do not have to be a period of emotional surrender. By applying these 10 concrete, evidence-based DBT skills, you can remain grounded, assertive, and effective, turning the most challenging family dynamics into an opportunity to practice your most valuable asset: skillful living.