Making Friends with Perfectionism using DBT and Self Compassion

"Well," she said brightly, with a little edge of exasperation, "you certainly are a perfectionist!" I was having my review with my clinical supervisor during my second year internship in my master's in social work program. Being labeled a perfectionist did not land well with me. I felt hurt, a bit insulted, and definitely misunderstood. I wasn't a perfectionist! I was simply diligent, thorough, detail-oriented, and had a strong work ethic - all excellent qualities, as far as I was concerned. Up to that point in my life, these qualities were highly reinforced by teachers and employers throughout my years as a student and professional. In my personal life, they were reinforced in my volunteer roles as a mom and on the rare occasions when they came out with friends (I'm a planner), but not very appreciated by my family, to put it mildly! 

No, the label of perfectionist did not fit - although, there was a small voice inside me that pointed out that I had been called that before. The designation also seemed to align with something a good friend of mine, a licensed clinical social worker, said to me when he found out I was going back to school for a master's degree: "Aim to be a 'B' student!" When he said that, externally I nodded thoughtfully, and added a "hmm" for good measure. Internally, I concluded (a little smugly) that I was probably smarter than he was - or at least better at test-taking. 

The thing about perfectionism is that while it can result in top grades, excellent work reviews, and comments such as, "I don't know how you do it!" - it comes at a high cost. Hypervigilance to avoid mistakes or missing something is exhausting. In fact, the fear of making a mistake can itself cue procrastination and avoidan

ce, which makes things worse. Self-criticism and comparisons to others to keep ourselves on track damages self-worth. "Imposter syndrome," often present, prompts us to hide our struggles from others, and shame and disconnection skyrocket. Additionally, we might turn to substances, trying to get relief from the stress and to push away unpleasant thoughts, such as “I’m so stupid, I should’ve known that!” and unpleasant emotions, such as shame. In short, we get stuck in a never-ending cycle of over-efforting and praise-seeking  - and often we fall just short of our (unrealistic and unsustainable) goals. 

The skills that help me most when I notice perfectionistic urges are self-compassion and the DBT skills of Opposite Action and Middle Path.  

Self-compassion involves connecting with yourself to notice what's happening in your body, the thoughts your mind is producing, and the emotions you're experiencing - and responding kindly to yourself. Firstly, we practice mindfulness by noticing the body sensations, thoughts, and emotions we're experiencing in a tough situation. Then, we put a name to what we notice. 

For example, if a friend tells me she's hurt that I didn't wish her a happy birthday, I might notice a little jolt in my body, my facial muscles squinching up, an urge to turn away, the thought "I'm a flaky friend" coming into my mind, and feelings of guilt and shame. 

Once we notice and name what we're experiencing, we tell ourselves it's okay to feel whatever we're feeling. I like to bring the body into my practice by putting a hand on my heart and taking a deep breath while telling myself "This is shame. It's okay to feel it." Feeling uncomfortable feelings and telling ourselves it's okay that we feel them is an act of self-compassion. We show ourselves that we're taking our experience seriously by looking for how it makes sense. 

In this case, I might tell myself that I have a lot going on at home and work, and I can see how I might have missed the date on my phone. Sometimes people forget. Whatever you say to yourself, find something that your brain can believe. When we validate our experience and practice self-compassion, we give ourselves permission to be human - and humans make mistakes. 

Opposite Action helps when I notice that perfectionistic urges are causing me to avoid or procrastinate starting a task. For me, this particularly comes up when I'm doing something for the first time, doing something that feels high-stakes, or when I have to do something I really don't want to do (but of course still want to do well!). 

For example, I might notice that when I tell myself it's time to do the dreaded task, I suddenly can't stand the dirty stove-top another second! After I'm done cleaning the stove, I might realize I'm really hungry, and need to eat, so I make a snack. Then I remember I never called my sister back, and I end up chatting for an hour. When I finally sit down to do the task, there might even be the thought, "It's pretty late now, I should just do this tomorrow. I'm tired and deserve some downtime." Ah, avoidance. 

Once I notice and name what's happening, I practice Opposite Action by doing the opposite of my urge to do anything other than the task at hand, and instead sit down and start the task. If I start to do something else, I gently redirect myself by saying, "not right now, I can do that after I'm done." (If I'm alone, I'll say this out loud - it helps my brain pay attention. I might even say out loud, "I really, really, really don't want to do this right now," as I sit down and start.) Once I've started the task, it almost always gets easier. 

Middle Path is the antidote to perfectionism. Middle Path involves making space for mistakes and being human. It involves acknowledging movement towards our goals as valuable, and acknowledging that doing our best is okay. Middle Path is aiming to be a 'B' student! 

The first step is mindfulness of what's happening in the moment. We observe black-and-white and problematic thinking (“If I can't do this exceptionally well, I'm mediocre - which means bad - at what I do" or "If I forgot my friend's birthday, I'm a flaky friend, and she won't like me anymore"). We notice that shame and guilt are high. When shame and guilt are high, it's very easy to get caught up in the narrative and start acting on it. That might look like avoiding the task or avoiding the friend, which makes the situation worse - and shame increases even more! We get stuck. 

The goal is not to get rid of the problematic thinking - it will show up! - but instead, to bring in new, more balanced thoughts ("Even if I don't do this exceptionally well, I can still be good at what I do" or "Being mediocre at something doesn't make me a bad or unworthy person" or "I feel sad and guilty that I forgot my friend's birthday, and sometimes people forget things"). Notice how it feels when we say those new thoughts to ourselves. For many people, it helps us to take action that's more effective and in line with our values. We sit down and begin work on the task. We reach out to our friend and wish her a happy belated birthday. If needed, we use Opposite Action to help ourselves do these things. 

Final Thoughts: For those of us with perfectionistic tendencies, we can rest assured that they came from somewhere in our lived histories. Perfectionism served a purpose (maybe even helped us survive) at one time, and helped us achieve many goals - until it didn't. Until the costs outweighed the benefits. Practicing self-compassion and the DBT skills of Opposite Action and Middle Path helps us to unhook from perfectionism, and live the life we want to live.